


Kili's guilt

by witchesdelite



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family, Family Feels, Guilt, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Uncle Thorin, Uncle-Nephew Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-24
Updated: 2015-02-24
Packaged: 2018-03-14 22:20:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3427634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/witchesdelite/pseuds/witchesdelite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Fili's death Kili feels so guilty he contemplates ending it all</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kili's guilt

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SilverFountains](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverFountains/gifts).



Kili leans over the edge with a bottle looking down at the paving below. Misery and despair

cling over his body as he debates whether to finally take the plunge _Nobody wants you!_

_Nobody cares._ A lump feels his throat as he clings to the metal rails, He slowly places his foot

on the bottom bar.

_You are a failure, you are useless._ His inner voice whispers in his ear and pierces his soul. A

shiver runs over his spine, And a small sob leaves his mouth. The brunet thinks of his life,

Thinks where he had gone _I tried to be a good person, I tried so hard to be strong for him but I_

_failed._ The twenty six year old wipes his face with the back of his hand. His long hair blowing

in the cold november breeze.

Kili notes a crowd below all looking up at him and wishes they would leave him alone, leave

him in peace. sirens wail in the distance and the voice whispers again _You fucked up you_

_piece of shit, you could have prevented his destruction._ The brunet takes another step

picturing his Blond haired brother, so full of life and joy, The kind caring man with braided hair

and an infectious smile. _He would not have been in the car if it wasn't for me and my fucking_

mouth. I'm so sorry Fili.

He closes his eyes imagining his big brother _Life is pointless without you brother._ He thinks of

the last year without Fili, How life had fallen apart and reaches into his blue checked shirt

pulling out a small flask of scotch and downs the contents feeling his head spin. The blue

sirens of the police car is visible in the distance.

He looks down at the pavement _I wonder If it will hurt, dying._ His body feels numb with cold

and hurt. _Who would notice if I died, it should have been me!_ He notes people stopping to

gwap up at him, and thinks about their lives. _I wonder what A normal life feels like_? _it has_

been so long since I felt normal, felt happy.

Kili thinks of his mother, Guilt floods through him _I am sorry Mama, I know you would have_

_rather it been me._ He could see it every time He looked into her blue eye’s, The same eyes

Fili had been blessed with.She never said but He knew she thought it every time she looked

at him Kili saw hatred and grief. _Sorry Ma I know this wont bring him back But maybe it will_

give you peace and justice.

He moves up to the third bar and thinks about the last twenty two years of his life. Of running

through parks and building tree houses with Fili, Of telling each other secrets of him that he

liked boys and not girls. _I have always lived in your shadow, You were my best friend and_

what was I? your murderer. I murdered you If I had not ran off into the night you would never

_have had to try to find me. I failed you._ His hands begin to shake as he clutches the cold

metal.

He thinks of Fili’s girlfriend, and of his nephew not even two years old never knowing his

father, not knowing the joys of Fili teaching him how to ride a bike or how to shave. _I took him_

_away from everything, me and my idiotic behaviour._ He can feel rain pour from the sky and

drench his clothes, as his head becomes light headed.

He watches as a police car pulls up below along with a firetruck and ambulance. _Why are they_

_here? I dont deserve this._ His breath hitches and he lets out a sob _Just jump you idiot, End_

_your worthless life._ He climbs over the barrier and looks up to the sky _This is for you Fili, this_

is how it should have been.

“ Stop,” A deep voice orders from behind him. Kili instantly recognises as his uncles. The

brunet leans further over the edge “ Please Kee come back.” Thorin says more gently

approaching his nephew.

Kili looks behind him “ Stay back Uncle, dont come any closer I…...I will jump,” he utters

looking foward again “ Just leave me in peace.”#

Thorin tries to keep the panic and fear out of his voice as he looks at his youngest nephew,

He can see fear deep in his expressive eyes “ Kili it doesn't have to be like this,” He says

softly not daring to get nearer “Come back over little one, We can talk.” He can feel his heart

pounding ten to the dozen. The tall man longs to bundle Kili into his arms,and never let go

but knows he has to tread carefully.

“ GET AWAY FROM ME!” Kili hollers as he notes his uncle move his foot “ I cause nothing but

pain to everyone I care about.” _everything I touch turns to shit, I dont want to hurt you either._

He leans even further over the edge. _Just do it already, end it._

“ No!.... Please Kili just talk to me what's five more minutes Little one?” Thorin utters, holding

his breath as he can see his nephew thinking this over. He holds his breath praying for his

nephew to see reason, to see the light out of the darkness that seemed possess him. _I know_

Kili is in there, The kind, fun loving Kili not the one flooded with darkness that has taken his

soul from us.

“ Five minutes…. I will give you five minutes,” Kili says evenly turning his body around to face

Thorin and looks deep into his eyes _You hate me! I took away your Heir, to your business,_

_your favorite. “_ And then I shall right this wrong.

_Poor Kili my poor, poor Kili “_ Kee take my hand,” Thorin says reaching his hand out. He

watches as his nephew stares waringly at his palm as if he might bite. “ Lets just talk about it

away from the edge, please,” Thorin says softly careful not to raise his voice too much, aware

that any wrong word could tip the lad even further over the edge.

“ I stay here Uncle, time is running out if you want to speak, speak every wise just leave me to

end my worthless self in peace.” _Why is he here? why does he care? if he calls me down_

what then? I will have to live everyday in his shadow, knowing He should be here not me.

Kili leans over the edge again watching the crowd. He can make out his mother frame looking

up at the roof can picture her face. “ I deserve this Thorin, I… I killed my brother,” Kili sobs

feeling tears cloud his vision. “ Fili was so loved and what am I the loaner, The one who

doesn't make friends and noone

wants to know.”

Thorin gulps _I never realised he felt so alone_ Thorin thinks guilty. Sure Kili had always

prefered his own company, He prefered to just sit in his room and write or paint but he had

always thought that was a choice thing it had never crossed his mind that Kili was lonely “ I

am sorry you have felt like this my raven,” Thorin says quietly and places his hand slowly over

the shaking brunets.

Thorin sighs “ But people do want to know you Kee,” He says finding his eye’s trailing down

The tall building and his stomach giving a churn _I need to get him away from the edge._ he can

smell the liquor on the youths breath “ I love you, Your mother loves you.”

“ Then you are both foolish,” Kili states looking into the sky _how can you love me? I am a fuck_

_up!_ The brunet can feel the grip of his uncle tighten as he moves a little.He slowly turns

around and looks into his uncles blue eyes.

“ Let me show you life is worth living Kili,” Thorin pleads. He can’t help but feel a little hopeful

as he sees the first bit of hesitance in The Chocolate brown eye’s “ What would Fili have

wanted hm.” Thorin grabs for Kili’s other hand and turns him fully around “ Fili would have

wanted you to live, live for him Kee.Live your life to the full make him proud, that is what your

brother would have wanted for you. Not being stood on the edge of a building.”

Kili slowly begins to climb over the rail much to Thorin’s relief. _He safe._ He breaths a huge sigh

of relief and bundles the brunet into his arms letting him cry on his shoulder.


End file.
